Monday, August 19, 2013

Not easy and often hard

I started blogging again because its a release. When I am feeling emotional (good or bad), writing is what helps me process my feelings. Well...for those who interact with me regularly, you know talking is king, but writing is a close second.

I have a tendency to be blunt and honest to a fault. I am also ridiculously sensitive. When in oral conversation there is no edit, no delete and no change of phrase. In writing I can do all of that, which makes it safer and softer. But there are drawbacks to living life loudly in any realm.  I am a fixer and have a tendency to want to reach out where I see hurt or pain. Sometimes that makes me a good friend. Sometimes I overstep and wind up regretting opening my big mouth or fast fingers.

I work hard everyday to accept myself for who I am. To know myself and be honest about my faults. But some days that is harder than others. Some days that leaves me raw and vulnerable and far too open. I want so much for my daughters to love themselves as they are. Imperfectly perfect. But already, they have doubts. They ask about their size, how things fit, how smart they are and fast they run. I am leveled to the core about how early their self image is formed.

The other day our almost 10 year old started to ask some very real and very pointed questions about sex. In my mind, as I answered as honestly and openly (while age appropriate) as possible, I also realized that these answers would eventually to creep into her vision of herself in the future. I was grateful to have recently read  "Dear Daughter: I Hope You Have Awesome Sex" and it's even more impactful knowing it's written by a father. EVERY parent of daughters should read this and consider how amazing this perspective is

It is not easy and often hard to put yourself out there. To allow others the opportunity to judge, to question and to comment. But if there is one thing I know for certain, it is that I do not do quiet well.