There are things you know about yourself innately. Things about the core of your very being that
are part of your brand, pieces of your very soul. I know that I am a warrior,
that I am stubborn and do not back down easily in the face of injustice. I know
that I am far more insecure than anyone who ever told me I was ‘intimidating”
would believe. The first time you hold your child, the things you know about
yourself shift. I know that I could kill someone who hurt my child. I know that
I would do anything for my daughters. The most surprising thing however, as
they have become teenagers, is realizing what I WILL NOT do.
I will not shield you from the reality of the world we live
in. I will not turn off the news when you walk in the room, or tell you not to
read about the stories of horror that shake me to my core. I will not lie and
tell you that being abducted or assaulted will not happen to you. I will not leave you uninformed or miss-informed
either. You will be armed and ready with awareness, knowledge and the power of
your voice and the strength of your mind.
I will not miss dinnertime with you, the time of day when
you ask the most important questions and share your day and your worries. I will not shy away from the hard ones – “do you
have sex even if you don’t want kids,” “why are some girls so damn mean” “could
there really be another Holocaust,” “will I have to drive my sister everywhere
when I get my license” etc.
I will not hesitate when, even now, you ask me to cuddle
with you before bed. I will not stop rubbing your back, or smelling your head
or holding you close until you tell me, I must. I will not take these moments
for granted. I will not refuse when it has been a shitty day and you want to
sleep in my bed with me. I will not remind myself, that those times will become
fewer and further between.
I will not soften the world for you. I will not lie or avoid
hard truths. I will be your safe place to land when it becomes too much. I will
not stop advocating for what is best for you. Exercise, sleep, healthy food - all
with equal measure of ice cream, belly laughs and saying yes to your crazy
ideas.
I will never say, “because I told you so” or “that’s not
your business.” I will never ignore your feelings even when I disagree. I will
never tell you that you are too much of anything. The world will cut you down
enough. I will never couch my own experiences when you ask me for the truth – “did
you drink, do drugs, and have sex, at my age?” I will not bury my head in the
sand and pretend that I did not or that your peers do not. I will not pretend
that it cannot and will not be you. I will not live in denial. I will not hesitate
to arm you with what you need - advice you will not want, a ride home
without questions, birth control, a toilet bowl and a cold floor.
I will not steer clear of conversations about health and
illness or buy into the stigma around mental illness. I will not pretend that
these things do not happen or do not exist. I will seek help without shame when
you need it. I will not let you buy into the idea that there is anything ‘wrong’
with you, when life feels overwhelming or ugly. I will not forget to remind you
that being a teenager will often suck, but that it does actually get better. I will
hold your hand through every storm and every rainbow.
I will not allow the words fat, ugly, or stupid in regards
to yourselves. I will not pretend to have a perfect self-image and will do my
best to lead by example. I will not curb your individuality, your spirit, your
voice, but I will say “hell no” sometimes and I will not expect you to like it.
I will not ever give up on you. Even felons have mamas.
I will not badmouth your father just because we are
divorced. I will not protect him either. I will not ever imply that either of
us was solely responsible for our demise. I will not own more than my share. I
will not make any of it your problem or your cross to bear. I will not kid myself
that there will be times that it becomes your problem no matter how hard we
try.
I will not belittle your passions, even if they are not my
own. I will not underestimate your potential, but I will not tolerate laziness.
I will not stop supporting you when we disagree. I will not assume that I
always know better than you do. I will
not forget to tell you when I learn from you, when I am grateful for your patience.
I will not pretend I can help you with your math homework anymore, or that I do
not over edit your writing.
I will not prioritize anything or anyone over you – kids first,
ALWAYS. I will not stray from my
commitment to be the best and do the best for you. I will not hesitate to
remortgage my house if you work hard enough to get into your top choice
university. I will forgo my own travel to let you have summers you describe as “the
best of my life.” I will not forsake the time I have with you and I will be
present when you are there.
I will not underestimate the importance of privacy and
trust. I will admit that I am scared shitless about all of the ways the world
can hurt you, and choose to give you space and leeway anyway. I will not forget
to honor your trust in me and keep your secrets. I will not avoid conversations
with your friends about important topics that they might not want to have with
their own parents. I will not be unwilling
to hold you accountable for your mistakes and deliver consequences equal to the
infraction.
I will not pretend I am not sad, or afraid, or silly or
damaged. I am a product of my 43 years and I will not hide that reality from
you. I will not embarrass you on purpose, but I will not be anyone but who I
am. I will not avoid telling you that you will be the same one day and I hope
to still be your soft place to land.
I will not let you forget that our home is our “safe space”
and nothing you do will change that. I will not stop telling you that I love
you, that I believe in you, that I am proud of you, every day. I will not stop
pushing you to be the best you. I will not hesitate to tell you that you can do
and be better when you forget.
I will not do everything for you, my girls. I would however,
do anything.
