It is 5:58 am, and I cannot sleep. I have been awake since just about the
time you were born on this day 18 years ago. Let's blame muscle memory. That
day started out calmly with an induction (God forbid you'd come out on your own
before 40.5 weeks) and ended in chaos. That epidural I tried to push off, but
which was eventually given, sent us both downhill and we wound up in an
emergency c-section. I remember that my OB was on the gurney with me as they
wheeled me into the OR, she was trying to hold me in a less dangerous position.
They almost left your dad in the hallway, but I asked for him and they ran and
got him right before they cut you out of me. When you didn't cry, I panicked.
And I will never forget your dad saying "well, she's not crying, but she
is staring right at me with the widest eyes."
I share that story of your beginning, because it was not at all like we'd
planned or imagined. In the end, it gave us you, and in that way, it is
exactly like life.
Today according to the law, you are an adult. We've said that before when
you were Bat Mitzvahed and on that day according to Jewish Law you were
"an adult" (take that with a grain of salt because when the Torah was
written, most women didn't live past their 30s). Today though, you earn the
right to vote and die for your country - odd when you have not yet technically
earned the right to drink legally and in Texas you wouldn't have autonomy over
your body - but don't get me started on our archaic legal system.
Instead, my love let's focus on real advice I can give, and hope that you
can reflect on as an adult.
1. It takes a long time to feel like an adult and once you do, you
will realize you've been doing it for a while. It's not so much the bills and
jobs and rent/mortgage etc. It's the realization that you are responsible for
yourself and others. It is in being counted on and looked to, and the weight of
that responsibility. It's a blessing and a burden, and being an adult never
ends.
2. I will love you no matter what. Nothing you could do would ever change
that. You will find only a handful of others who will be your "ride or
die" people in this life. You will know then when you find them, hold on
to them for dear life and show up for them no questions asked. Your sister is
one of them, so you already have an example by which to recognize the rest.
These are the drop everything, where are we burying the body, here is my kidney
kind of people. You can face anything in life as long as you have them.
Large groups of friends are overrated and inconsistent. These are your people.
3. You owe NO ONE an explanation of who you are and where you are going. You
are just at the beginning of the journey in figuring this out, and I assure you
that it will morph and change 100 times before you feel yourself in your skin. Do
not let anyone make you feel like you owe the world an explanation. Your gender,
your sexuality, your passions, your major, your path, your friends, your
journey - they are yours alone. I might not always understand or agree, but you
will ALWAYS have my support.
4. Stay weird and curious. You have been from day one, uniquely you. You are
brilliant and funny and work harder than anyone I know. Your thirst for
knowledge is endless. You are the most curious person I know. These traits
sometimes make you feel different or awkward, but they are neither. They are
what make you exactly who you are, and I hope that never changes. We spend far
too much time conforming to be who we think we are supposed to be, and that will
never make you happy. I learned this lesson way late in life, and my wish for
you is that you never feel the need to change for anyone or anything. The world
will try to change you. I promise to be here to remind you that just because
someone you love doesn't understand you, does NOT mean the burden is on you to
be different.
5. Listen to your gut. Drinking and drugs are a normal part of being an
adult. This means that you need to do your best to not be an idiot. But since
that is inevitable, this is where friends and kindness come in. Never leave a
friend alone over a toilet - grab water and their hair and know that next time
it could be you. Never leave a drunk or high friend alone in a questionable
situation, if your gut says otherwise. Do your best to avoid situations that
feel off. And it's not just drinking and getting high. Your gut is the single
best North Star you have. Listen to it anytime you are unsure and know that 98%
of the time it will be right. For the other 2%, call me. My advice is free.
6. Sex is awesome. Trust me here, eventually the awkward fumbling in the
dark becomes something intimate, empowering, and even fun. But sex is power,
my love and people will use it in all kinds of ugly ways. So, make sure that
you are always in charge of your heart and your body. There should be no shame
in sex, no blame and no will ALWAYS FUCKING MEANS NO. But again, sex is power,
and people will abuse that. So be safe (never count on anyone else to keep you
safe), trust your gut, be kind, have fun, be generous with yourself and others,
but please be careful.
7. Your anxiety can be a strength. This is a lesson you have taught me. I
was wrong to believe that your anxiety was only harmful. While it's important
to help moderate it, you have taught me that it is also your superpower. It
motivates and drives you. It pushes you to excel and learn. It is, in essence,
your driver. However, anxiety can also be crippling and so can perfectionism. So,
try to find a balance as best as you are able. Cut yourself some slack as you
move into college and find things that make you feel alive and are not centered
around achievement. Grades are such a superficial measurement and even though
they mean everything to you now, I promise you will never remember what you got
in AP Bio 10 years from now. And this applies to humans too. Remember that
everyone is just as nervous to make the first move or send the first text.
Don't let the "what ifs" stop you from adventure.
8. You are beautiful. I know when you read that you will roll your eyes.
That won't make it less true. But it's also because you look in the mirror and
only see your insecurities looking back. The world sees something else. And
while I think you have a shayna punim, that is not what makes you beautiful.
It's the way your eyes shine when you tell us something you are passionate
about. The way you laugh with your sister at jokes that only make sense to the
two of you. The way you light up the minute the littles get on FaceTime to talk
to you. The sense of calm that comes over you when you snuggle a kitty. The
fire in your belly when you fight injustice. The way you cry when you are
overwhelmed and done. You are an old soul, and all of it makes you beautiful.
9. Your voice is your future. You are so incredibly passionate about social
justice, environmental destruction, the importance of critical thinking,
storytelling and adventure. When you chose to use your voice as an advocate, a
change maker and a disrupter, you are on fire. You are the epitome of my
favorite quote "well behaved women rarely make history." Own your voice,
use your voice.
10. You can ALWAYS come home. Home is not a place, per se. Home is the
people, the feeling, the history, home is your family. And no matter when or
where, you can always come home. Today, tomorrow and every day for the
rest of your life - my door, my arms, my lap and my heart are yours, Talia. You
can always come home.
