But why?

 

Growing up I was, as I am now, not a kid who went unnoticed. I was loud, silly, and opinionated. My parents told me my body and voice were mine and even as a kind in the 70s, I knew that I was meant to question when things simply did not make sense to me. I was raised to believe that if I asked good questions, I would get good answers. Mostly. I clearly recall an exception to that rule. It was the “but why” exception. Often when I asked my mother “but why” about any number of things – why can’t I have ice cream, why can’t I watch that show, why can’t I stay out later - her response was “because I said so.” That phrase made absolutely no sense to me. I was a scientist’s daughter – I knew why the sky was blue and why baby bird sometimes fell out of the nest and why sedimentary rock could tell me how old an area was. So how was it possible that the answer to other very important (to me) questions were shot down with no explanation.

It enraged me so that I remember knowing even at 10 or 11 years old that I would never say that to my children. That even small, they were people, and all people deserve a why. That understanding my reasoning, would help them understand me. Hopefully one day understanding me would help them navigate the world of adults.

I kept that promise. I assure you that there are 1,000 others I did not. Bribery – anything to make them stop crying on an airplane, junk food – it will not kill them, R movies – I will take bad language and sex over gratuitous violence any day. But that one I kept. Partly because I have a vastly different communication with my kids than I had with my parents and partly because I cannot handle not knowing why.

Ask my wife and she will quickly tell you that I need my world to make sense. I think one of the reasons I never gravitated to science fiction or fantasy is grounded in my need for things to make sense. I have a strong commitment to fairness, reality, and a disdain for lying, fakery and a lack of why. Even as an adult when something happens that does not compute for me, I need to try to get to the bottom of the why. This is where the growth happens for me. 

I should be clear; this need is not esoteric. It is not a why did this person have to die, or why is there antisemitism, racism, or hurricanes. I am humble enough to know that those are answers are way beyond me. This more personal, more soul searching and reflective. It is the why that require someone else to provide an answer they are often unwilling to give. Why aren’t we friends anymore? Why didn’t I get that job? Why would you say something bad about me behind my back? Knowing these answers would allow me to reflect on my own self-improvement as well as to recognize that many times when it feels like it’s about me, it actually isn’t. I tell my kids all of the time “no one thinks about you as much as you think about you.”

But those “whys” hurt as much now as they did as a kid. It is the knowledge that someone could provide the answer but chooses not to. It is the self-flagellation I go through trying to determine if it is me or them or none of the above. It is the deep dive into my self-confidence. It is the NOT KNOWING that keeps me up at night.

I know I am not alone, nor am I paranoid. I simply want things to make sense to me. Countless people (especially women) feel this way. That makes perfect sense to me. What makes absolutely no sense to me are the people who can move on with a “I am sure there’s a reason,” “it is not about me,” etc. I was clearly not born with whatever that gene is.

I also never want to burden someone with my needs. I try to ask for constructive feedback when something does not work out and I mean it. I would give I the same if asked because I want to honor the way that a lack of why impacts people.

I am not sure if it is a blessing or a curse to be a person who questions. I know it makes me a better mom, a better wife and friend. It also makes me a better marketer to ask why – it helps me get to the insights that matter, the nugget that will make us matter. Unfortunately, it also leaves me regularly frustrated when a why is just not going to materialize no matter how much I want one.

So, I am left with questions. How does someone not turn inward when there is no why - not assume it is about them or try to unbox the puzzle that likely cannot be unboxed? Rationally I know that not everything has a why and not all things make sense, but damn if I am not stubborn enough to want them to.